Sunday, August 9, 2026

Ocean D&D: Session Documentary

I played a stomatopod in Spuk's OD&D (Ocean D&D) game, and had a great time. Here's a session report. Note that none of the "scientific facts" are guaranteed to be accurate - do your own research.

Also, you must read the report in the voice of David Attenborough.

“The reef is one of the most complex environments on Earth. Hundreds of species live side by side, and form intricate, symbiotic relationships.

“To see this interspecies cooperation in action, let us take a closer look at just five of the creatures inhabiting this reef.”



“Two hermit crabs, whom we’ll call Magnifico and Crabraham Lincoln.”


“Two axolotls, who will go by Mantle-of-Cloud and Amby.”


“And one stomatopod: Creel Crusher.”

“These five companions have left the reef, in search of food or anything else of interest to bring back home. As they explore the open seafloor, they do find something interesting. Perhaps too interesting.”


“It’s a giant triton snail, towering over the five smaller creatures. The hermit crabs greedily eye its huge shell, which would be a major home improvement for either one of them. But Creel Crusher cautions them that the snail would be an overwhelming opponent, even for the five of them together. The group decides to move aside and let the massive snail continue on its way.

“The bulbous eyes of a stomatopod can see millions of colors, and it is even believed that they can read the ‘aura’ of other creatures and assess their strength. A helpful ability when making the decision between fight and flight.

“Our five intrepid explorers continue into a kelp forest, still on the lookout for anything worth bringing back to the reef. It seems that Mantle-of-Cloud has found something. A rectangular box. Quite an unusual sight on the seafloor. But it is stuck in the ground. As the group attempts to unearth it, danger draws near.



“Dozens of sea nettle jellyfish. The faintest touch of their stinging tentacles is enough to incapacitate or even kill a small creature like an axolotl. If the group wants the mysterious box, it’s now or never. But Mantle-of-Cloud has a solution.

“This is one of the most remarkable spectacles of nature. The nanites inside the tail of the axolotl activate, and exert a magnetic force upon the stubborn box, pulling it out of the ground and onto Mantle-of-Cloud... where it dissolves?

“Indeed, the box was composed of more nanites, which are absorbed by the axolotl—doubtlessly granting them yet another mysterious power. With the treasure secured, Mantle-of-Cloud and their friends make a quick escape from the frightening jellyfish.

“Hiding in the kelp, the five creatures settle down to rest. But a few hours later, they are in for a rude awakening.”


“It seems our bold travellers have blundered into the territory of kelp crabs, which have now surrounded the five intruders, menacingly clicking their claws at them. But the hermit crabs, Magnifico and Crabraham Lincoln, click their claws back at them, and the situation calms down. It seems that a deal has been made.

“The five explorers join forces with the kelp crabs, journeying through the kelp forest until they reach their goal: a giant clam.”

“The flesh of this massive mollusc would make a delicious meal for the kelp crabs, if they could only get at it—preferably without becoming trapped inside its shell. Perhaps the reef creatures can help them out.

“The hermit crabs heave a rock up to the mouth of the clam, trying to jam it open. But the clam closes, expelling the rock. Now what?

“Mantle-of-Cloud digs at the spot where the clam is connected to the ground, exposing its fleshy foot. This, too, is a tempting meal. The kelp crabs swarm it, and start feasting... but the clam becomes unstable. It topples over, crushing half of the kelp crabs, as well as Crabraham Lincoln! The poor hermit crab has been ended by this ‘Clam Wilkes Booth’.”


“Just then, a new denizen of the reef arrives upon the scene. An octopod, whom we will call Octo-Potato.

“In its fall, the giant clam has opened back up again. Now’s the chance. The surviving kelp crabs rush in, tearing away at the soft insides of the clam. Creel Crusher and Octo-Potato has spotted something else within the clam. Together, they manage to extract it: a huge pearl. Now, sea creatures obviously have no concept of wealth or monetary value... but everyone likes a pearl.

“The kelp crabs have finished off the giant clam, and feast on its flesh—as well as the flesh of their fallen comrades. There is little sentimentality under the sea. The reef denizens also enjoy a hearty meal. Octo-Potato devours the crushed Crabraham Lincoln. To octopods, crabs are a particular delicacy. But the creatures of the reef don’t just eat. They also take with them as much food as they can carry, in their shells, paws, mandibles, and tentacles. The pearl is brought along too, of course, as the five travellers head for home.”


“They run into some crown-of-thorns starfish on the way, but give the spiky creatures a wide berth.

 “Finally the group returns to the reef, where the collected food is shared with the other inhabitants.”

“It is a moment of triumph not just for the five explorers, but for the reef as a whole.

“After resting up, our five heroes are still restless. They set out on another expedition, this time onto the open sand plains on the other side of the reef. But they don’t get far before they run into danger once more.”


“A pair of cuttlefish, hungry for crab. As they approach, their bodies turn sharp white. A hypnotizing color, which transfixes Creel Crusher and Amby. Those who retain their senses must escape quickly—and take their friends along. Magnifico grabs onto Creel Crusher and drags them away. Meanwhile, Octo-Potato sprays ink to confuse the cuttlefish, while holding onto Amby and Mantle-like-Clouds with their tentacles. Mantle-of-Clouds activates their nanites once more, but now for a different effect. The axolotl expels a jet of water that propels them at high speed, along with Octo-Potato and Amby.

“The cuttlefish give chase, and before long, they catch up to the group. But now the reef dwellers have come back to their senses, and they stand and fight. Creel Crusher squares up to a cuttlefish—and strikes.

“There is a flash of light. The cuttlefish is knocked out cold in an instant.

“A stomatopod’s punch accelerates at a rate similar to that of a pistol shot, and can strike with a force of 1,500 newtons. A direct hit can incapacitate a creature many times the stomatopod’s size, as this cuttlefish just discovered.

“Meanwhile the other cuttlefish is set upon by Magnifico and Octo-Potato. The octopod wields sharp clam shells into the fight, and together, the two of them makes short work of the cuttlefish.

“An octopod’s capacity for using tools is a clear sign of their high intelligence. Who knows what else these creatures may be capable of?

“With the cuttlefish defeated, the group drags them back to the reef for all to feast upon. Certainly all five explorers have learnt from their experiences, and Creel Crusher’s fighting skills seem to have reached a new level.”

"The old moray eel that dwells on the outskirts of the reef seems to have noticed the group's success. Perhaps it will take interest in their further activities..."




Thursday, June 18, 2026

FIENDS zine #1

 

The first issue of FIENDS is now available for download!

FIENDS is a zine of Lego builds, stories, and whatever else people want to put in it. It features submissions from the BrikWars community but is open to anyone.

Download FIENDS #1 here!

Wednesday, March 18, 2026

More Ways to Die: Getting Old

 You wanna see the most messed up class feature in all of 5e?

 
"Timeless Body (Monk feature)
At 15th level, your ki sustains you so that you suffer none of the frailty of old age, and you can't be aged magically. You can still die of old age, however. In addition, you no longer need food or water."
 
You know what rules there are in 5e for "frailty of old age" and "dying of old age"? That's right, none.
 
Ever since I ran a Traveller campaign I feel like a system is just incomplete without rules for aging and dying. It's especially relevant to my group because not only do we have a monk in the party, we also have an awakened cat. Cats don't live very long, you know.
 
So, here are my rules for getting old in 5e. They assume the use of my other house rules for dying, though you could just attach them to vanilla 5e.
 
The species table uses "official" lifespans as far as I could find them. The exception is eladrin, elves, sea elves, and half-elves, who have Tolkien-style immortality. If you prefer the official lifespans for these species, use the values of shadar-kai for eladrin, elves, and sea elves, and use the values of minotaurs for half-elves.
 
Old Age
To determine your birthday, roll 1d12 for month and 1d30 for day.

When you reach a certain age, you must start making aging checks regularly at a certain interval of years. To pass an aging check, you must roll 4+ on 1d6. If you fail, your exhaustion limit (the amount of exhaustion at which you die) is reduced by one. If the limit reaches zero, you die. At a certain age, the difficulty of the aging check increases to 5+, and later to 6+.

If you succeed on an aging check, roll 1d4 on the Aging Effects table below.

1. Your life experience grants you XP equal to your age times your level times 5.
2. Randomly determine three different ability scores. Increase one of your choice by 1, and decrease another one of your choice by 1. The one you decrease has its maximum value reduced by 1.
3. You gain expertise with one skill or tool you have proficiency with.
4. You have entered the golden years. Until you fail an aging check, you gain inspiration on each of your birthdays. This effect can stack, granting you several instances of inspiration.

Your starting age, the age at which you must start making aging checks, the ages at which the difficulty of the check increases, and the interval in years between the checks, are all determined by your species.

Species Starting age Interval Aging 4+ Aging 5+ Aging 6+
Aarakocra 2+1d3 2 6 16 26
Aasimar 15+3d8 8 64 104 144
Bugbear 13+3d6 4 32 52 72
Cat 1d4 1 5 10 15
Centaur 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Changeling 13+2d6 4 36 56 76
Dragonborn 13+2d6 4 36 56 76
Duergar 15+3d8 24 120 240 360
Dwarf 15+3d8 24 120 240 360
Eladrin* 15+3d8 40 40 - -
Elf* 15+3d8 40 40 - -
Fairy 15+3d6 4 60 80 100
Firbolg 15+3d8 28 140 280 420
Genasi 15+3d6 4 72 92 112
Githyanki** 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Githzerai 15+3d8 8 56 96 136
Gnome 15+3d8 28 140 280 420
Goblin 7+1d6 4 14 34 54
Goliath 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Half-elf*** 15+3d8 4 40 60 80
Halfling 15+3d8 8 40 80 120
Half-orc 12+2d6 4 28 48 68
Harengon 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Hobgoblin 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Human 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Kenku 11+1d6 4 20 40 60
Kobold 5+1d6 8 24 64 104
Lizardfolk 13+1d6 4 20 40 60
Loxodon 15+3d8 28 140 280 420
Minotaur 15+3d8 8 100 140 180
Orc 10+2d6 2 26 36 46
Satyr 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Sea elf* 15+3d8 40 40 - -
Shadar-kai 15+3d8 56 180 460 740
Shifter 8+2d6 4 24 44 64
Simic hybrid**** ? ? ? ? ?
Tabaxi 15+3d6 4 36 56 76
Tiefling 15+3d6 4 40 60 80
Tortle 13+2d6 2 32 42 52
Triton 15+3d8 8 100 140 180
Vedalken 36+4d6 28 140 280 420
Yuan-ti 15+3d6 4 36 56 76

 *Eladrin, elves, and sea elves are immortal. When they fail an aging check, their exhaustion limit is not reduced. Instead, they incur a cumulative -10% penalty to all XP gained. This can eventually prevent them from gaining XP entirely. Successful aging checks do not grant a roll on the Aging Effects table.

**For a githyanki, time spent in the Astral Plane does not count towards their aging. They still use their full age and actual birthdays for effects from the Aging Effects table. A starting githyanki character is assumed to have spent half their life so far in the Astral Plane.

***When a half-elf reaches age 40, they must choose whether to accept or refuse immortality. If they accept, they age as an elf. If they refuse, they age normally using the given values.

****Simic hybrids use the values of their origin species. The ages at which they must start making aging checks, and at which the aging check increases in difficulty, are reduced by a number of years equal to the origin species' interval. This does not apply if their origin species is eladrin, elf, or sea elf.